I worry about all sorts of things, all of the time. Sometimes I joke that if I stopped worrying, I would forget to breathe. Most of the time, being just a tad bit anxious works out pretty well. It is a great way to get into medical school, and an even better way to keep track of the every changing parade of patients as a resident. It works out perfectly in my life as a doctor - I get paid to worry about other people every single day. In my personal life, I can keep the worry and planning down to a dull roar, I am sometimes annoying to go on vacation with (only if it is annoying to know where you are eating dinner that night AND how to get there - just saying) - but overall i function pretty darn well with my mind on worry overdrive.
Now, whether I like it or not, I am the patient - and one thing that is not doing my any favors is all the worry. Will my port hurt/work/break/leak/get infected? Will I have fever and be admitted to the hospital. How long? What if I need a fluid bolus but the resident doesn't realize I need a fluid bolus? When is my hair falling out? Is it falling out right now? (no- just checked). What if, what if, what if. Anyway - my brain can give me a one way ticket to crazy town sometimes, usually at my 9pm bedtime. I've been coping OK - and can derail the train most of the time knowing I am in skilled, caring hands and that everything will be just fine - but what if its not? sigh.
So, what was I worrying about yesterday you ask? Chemo #2.
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| artistic photo courtesy of john bracken |
And everything was fine. No catastrophes.
I had my labs drawn and my white blood cells have dropped significantly. Last week my ANC (absolute neutrophil count) or then number of while blood cells you need to fight off infection went from 5000 (normal) to 900 (not normal) So now I am officially neutropenic. On a side note, John and I were taking bets on what my ANC would be and I guessed it perfectly - because I am a lab-whisperer. Ha! My doctor is please with the drop in my counts as this means the chemo is working. Next was the chemo parade - it went much quicker (4 hours) this time. The port acted beautifully and hurt less than last time. Today I feel pretty good - a little tired, but better than after the first infusion. Hoping that continues through the weekend.
When a person is neutropenic, you are instructed to avoid people that are sick. That is one of the reasons I am not working at the Children's Hospital right now - too risky. The whole thing becomes laughable when the boys come home harboring the lasted germs from daycare - but what can you do! I would advise everyone to buy stock in hand sanitizer.
At the suggestion of a trusted colleague and mentor - I have ordered a book called Full Catastrophe Living - a book on the practice of mindfulness. I am hopeful that this will help me to real in the anxiety when I don't need it keeping me up at night. I am excited to learn these new skills and look forward to becoming a yogi/zen master - hopefully in a matter of weeks - right???
The boys are doing well. Hudson worries (where does he get it??) about me and about my hair. The other night he said he thought it was getting shorter. He also shared that when my hair does fall out I am going to look "pretty strange". Well said, young man. Finn continues to be happy and wild - my dad says he lives life with gusto - and no truer words have been said.
Last weekend my sweet friends hosted a "Scarf Soiree" in my future bald head's honor. It was so nice to get out the the house (in make up and high heels, no less) and see the women I am so lucky to hold close to my heart. The party was fun, food was amazing, and I left with enough hats/scarves/cozy outfits/blankets/lotions/jewelry and trashy magazines to supply the entire oncology clinic! I also received a very generous gift from many of my co-workers at CMH. I am so blessed. Thank you.
